These Things I'll Never Say
by KMK25
Summary: Lily's fears in the form of a letter to James


Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter world, that belongs to JK Rowling. I also took the title from an Avril Lavigne song

A/N: I wrote this piece a few months ago and have now decided to type it up and post it. Please let me know what you think of it. And I'd also like to apologize for not updating my other stories. My laptop is completely messed up and my parents want me to wait until I decide which college I'm going to in case they want you to get a certain one.

Kristin

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These Things I'll Never Say

Dear James,

You once told me that I shouldn't keep everything inside and that if I couldn't talk to my friends I should write my feelings down. I gave you the finger for that comment, but look at me, writing down my feelings just like you suggested I do two years ago… I guess I never had a need to do this before, but now my thoughts are completely jumbled and I need to sort everything out.

I've been thinking about so many things lately, things that scare me to death. Mainly what I'm going to do after Hogwarts ends, but I've also been trying to sort out my feelings for you. I want you to know that I don't hate you, in fact, I actually really like you; a lot. I'd never be able to tell you that, it took me long enough to confess it to myself, but there, I said it, or wrote it, rather. It's odd, when something's in writing it seems so much more real. I guess I'm writing this so that I can come to terms with my feelings for you and end them because I can't live like this. This is also a place for me to apologize to you. I don't think you're a bullying toe rag, at least not anymore, not now that I know what you do for Remus every month. Anyone who risks everything for their friend can't be nearly as terrible as I've made you out to be. You want to know a secret? I envy you for having such a strong bond with your friends, they would do anything for you and you'd do anything for them. Sure, I have close friends, but I can't imagine any of them doing something so huge for me. What scares me even more is that I wouldn't do that for them either. I've always made you out to be a terrible, lesser, person than me, but you're not. You are the bigger person and as much as it pains me to be wrong, it's the truth. I guess in some ways I'm afraid of you. You can see right through me. You know when I'm upset and can sense when I want to be left alone. You know how truly vulnerable I am. Everyone else thinks I'm such a strong, perfect woman, but that's so far from the truth. You see through me, through all my flaws, and yet you still love me. You know me better than my "best" friends do, which is sad. I've lived with them for the past seven years. What's even scarier is that in six short months we're graduating from Hogwarts and we're going to be thrust into the real world for the first time. I can't believe that I won't be waking up in my dormitory, I won't be eating all my meals in the great hall, I won't be studying until all hours of the night, and the hardest thing to believe is that I won't see most of the people I've seen every day for the past seven years, especially you. That's really what gets to me, that's why I have to get over you. Yes, I said 'get over you' I like you despite what I may have suggested over the years, but I could never be with you, not how I am now. Sometimes I hate myself because I can't let go and love you the way you love me. You are such a passionate person, full of love and so open about it. I'm completely opposite. I'm reserved and give out my love sparingly. I wish I knew how to love you the way you love me. I know you love me. I didn't believe it the first time you said it to me, but now I know it's true. I used to think you pestered me until I'd say I'd go out with you as a joke, but I've realized that you are the type of person who falls so completely in love that all you can do is pursue what you want until you get it. I want to protect you from my cold heart, but I think that I may have already killed a little bit of you every single time I turned down a date from you and I'm sorry. You're one of the only genuinely good guys at this school and I don't deserve you. Maybe someday I'll learn to love as deeply as you do, but for now I can't. I wish I could say these things to you, to save you from the pain that I'm sure I cause you, but for now I'm not brave enough so these words will remain unsaid.

Love,

Lily

The girl folded the parchment carefully into quarters. A few teardrops fell onto the sheet of paper. She took a composing breath and walked towards the waning fire. She pushed her long red hair out of her teary eyes before placing the piece of parchment into the dying hearth. She turned and walked up the stairs to her dormitory. Out of the corner a boy with messy hair and glasses emerged. He knelt before the fire and grabbed the piece of paper before it was burnt and sat on the couch to read it.

Dear James… it was for him. He sat silently, a somber look on his face until he finished. A smile crossed his face, _so, she likes me but is afraid, I knew it_! He thought to himself. He pocketed the parchment, still grinning with an energy he seemed to lack before. _She likes me! _Kept running through his mind. He had been so close to giving up on her, but not anymore. He vowed to teach her how to love, to stay with her after Hogwarts, to protect her from every single fear she had listed on that paper and any others she might tell him later, and he promised himself that he'd do that until they died, because he knew that they'd die together, in love.

The End

A/N: thanks for reading! Tell me what you think and please don't forget to review!


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